man of the morning moon

Upon Waiting

2005-07-22T02:55:00.000-07:00

i am waiting.

for alessa and her face, her embrace, her chicken legs, her chicken peck.

for the slightly tattered 20 peso bill in my pocket to go out of its lair to the cash register that'll be

its new home. i hope that it will be enough to pay for this wait.

i have waited and am still waiting.

for loreene's forgiveness, her smile that'll be mine, her friendship, her mystery unfolded.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and now, im still waiting for time and its absence which i know shall come though incomprehensible it may be, i shall try to understand and consume it whole.

Unang Ulan ng Mayo

2005-06-08T05:02:00.000-07:00

Unang ulan ng Mayo
'Dito ako sa tindahan ng barbeque
Nanonood sa mga taong nag-uunahan
Sa paglundag sa mga agos
Ng baha sa kalsada
Habang tila mga holeng gumugulong
Sa langit at lupa
Ang mga luha ng ulap
Na natapos na ang paghihintay

Unang ulan ng Mayo
Suot ko ang dyaket mo
Naiisip mo kaya ako?
Marahil nakasubsob ka ngayon
Sa mga perryodiko't aklat pangsosyolohista
O kaya nama'y gumagala ka
Sa 'subconscious' mong mundo
Kung saan sosyologo pa rin ang inaatupag mo

Unang bagyo ng Mayo?
Ambon lang siguro
Magpayong ka lang sa iyong paglabas
O makisukob na lang sa kaibigan
Pero kung ang hanap ay saya
At disgrasya
Sugurin ang ulan at sabayan ng kanta
Makipag-Tango sa hangin
Sa ilalim ng asogeng alapaap
Na pinunpunit ng patay-sinding mga kidlat
Hamunin ang kulog sa pagbirit ng mga Nota
'Wag nang intindihin kung nagmumukhang tanga

At kapag napiga na ang nga ulap
At hahawiin na ng araw ang tabing ng dilim
At ang mga ibon at tao'y muling nagtatrabaho
Habang naglalambitin ang sipon sa ilong
Babalutan kita ng dyaket at saka bubulungan
"Tapos na ang ulan, kaibigan
Ang buwan at mga bitwi'y muling magtatawanan
At gaya nila sa isa't-isa
Kasama mo akong nagpadala at nagpakasaya
Sa awitin ng langit, lupa, at tubig
Habang hinihintay na muli ming tanggapin

"Kahit minsan lang katulad ng ulan
bagyo, o ambon ng Mayo
Patawad muli..."

Saka bumahing, suminghot
At nagising

Ligaw

2005-05-02T05:58:00.000-07:00

Naliligaw ako.
Di ko alam kung anong gagawin, kung saan pupunta.
pero alam ko kung bait ako naliligaw.
kasi..

nabulag ang lobo.
panandalian.

nahulog siya sa bangin
sa pagmamadaling tumakas mula sa halimaw sa gubat.
sa kanyang paggulong sa putik, bato, ugat at sanga
nabura ang kamlayan.
natakasan ang katotohanan.
panandalian.

nunit sa kanyang pagdilat
ay ang nakakapasong liwanag
mula sa anghel na kanyang inibig
ang sumambulat, sumilaw, bumalot, bumulag
sa mata, sa mata, sa katawan at kabuuan
ng itim na lobong naliligaw.
panandalian.

humiyaw, umungol, tumingala, tumanghod
sa alapaap, sa buwan, sa mga talang kadiliman na lamang lahat
-isang malaking kaitiman sa kaitiman ng lobo
panandalian?

ang lobo, naliligaw, natagpuan
ng isang prinsesang naliligaw sa kagubatan
kinahulan, kinatakutan
ng lobo ang prinsesa
hinaplos, hinagod, hinipan ang mata
ng lobo ng prinsesa--mahika
binaklas ang tanikalang sa paningin ay bumalot
at ang asogeng liwanag ng buwan
at ploresent na alapaap
ay muling nabuhay sa mata ng lobo
saka binuhat ng estrangherong prinsesa
sa kanyang mga balikat at mga brasong merkuryo
ang lobong sugatan
tinahak, iniwan, di na muling babalikan
ang kalupitan ng gubat
at pumunta sa dagat--
sa kastilyong buhangin sa tabi ng dagat
at doo'y makita, makasama't, mayakap
ang estrangherang prinsesa
ang prinsesa ng dagat.

iniibig ng lobo ang prinsesa.
panandalian?
walang katapusan.

A WAY TO KEEP SOMEHOW

2005-04-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

si paul irvin rivera ang nagpost nito,hehe

BROKEN BAM

Tell me his name I want to know
The way he looks
And where you go
I need to see his face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
Tell me again I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

[Chorus:]
I let you go I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why I let you go
Now that I found A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

[Chorus]

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end

[Modified Chorus:]
I let you go I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken BAM!!!

What Comes Out When You Are Seated In A Broken Chair Beside A Broken Table On A Broken Midnight Showered By Broken Starshine

2005-04-15T03:39:00.000-07:00

This was far beyond due date. Since that last writing exercise in IRRI, I never wrote anything. but that didn't mean I wasn't thinking of writing at all. in fact, i had a lot in my mind that needed ejaculation but i was too lazy to masturbate those thoughts in paper nor in our old cathode-ray tube--too lazy to even continue with where i've stopped in "Tree" by FS JOse. but, when i was about to feast in Sandman's lounge, the urge hit me hard,
start it now and you're a step further from giving significance to these hopeless days.

and so i did..with the idea that somehow, by writing the workings of my cerebral and cardiovascular offices, i can achieve the same pleasure one gets from self-abuse.

here is the first part.

13 April 2k5
02:29 am

This is a fable. there was once a wolf who lived in a far, thick forest. he had the blackest fur in all his pack--no one else had black fur--that shone at the slightest contact with light.
He was agile, fierce, and was easily the best hunter in the pack. in fact, he could even hunt on his own and when he does, he'd end up with a heavy meal. but still, he never left the pack--he liked it there, being liked and respected--the black wolf loved the pack.
But there were times that he chose to be alone--not all wolves braved being alone--and so often did he do this that he had known parts of the forest wgere no one else dared enter. this, he boasts, are the most beautiful yet most dangerous places in all that he knew. the other wolves could only listen as he told them about the adventures he had and the sites he eyed. he was very happy about it.

One night, as he was again wandering alone in the forest,among its tall, crooked trees, soft grass and prickly shrubs, he found a clearing in the middle of several sikamore trees. there was nothing peculiar about the clearing. indeed, the wolf thought that it was just like any other clearing in the labyrinthine forest. even the large, odd rock planted deep in the earth in the middle of the clearing was not strange at all for there were many others like it. he was then startled with the fact that he was planted to where he stood as if he had just seen a forest god. there was nothing abnormal with what he saw, he said to himself.
The wolf decided to rest. he looked around and listened intently for any unwanted creatures--he did not want anyone disturbing his sleep. and after a few moments of observation, the wolf tried to lie down the stone. and then there, as he mounted the surface,did he discover that the rock was indeed quite odd. for the moment his paws touched the surface, he felt its obscure warmth, warmth. the wolf was surprised--the whole forest was biting cold in the night--and though he had long and thick fur, he would still shiver every now and then. but there lied a warm stone in the middle of the clearing in the middle of several sikamore trees, somewhere in the thickness of the forest under the cold, placid night sky.
The wolf was suspicious--but not much--he had faced more oddness than this rock could ever muster, he thought. and after a brief hesitation which he quickly disregarded, he decided to rest at last. he was tired and he knew that the rock would be a very suitable place to rest--it was even smooth all over. he scratched, and stretched, and gave a hoarse yawn, and finally lied down above the rock. The wolf slept easily and it was a comfortable, beautiful sleep--he even had a dream.

02:57 am

...at diyan nagtatapos ang istorya ko sa bahay,hehe..

it's still unpolished--it badly needs editing--but it did me good, releasing words of my soul, clothing them in metaphor and music. i badly needed this confrontation with my self, and though already a loser at this time, i still mustered enough strength to win over a little of myself.

i still wasn't able to sleep easily that night but at least, the experience had proven to be..well, orgasmic.

Lessons From Age and Darkness

2005-03-16T06:15:00.000-08:00

Come 5.30 pm..wednesday..the last wednesday that i'm going to spend this semester in LB..probably the last in my life. Alessa and I were cramming for the exam..had to recollect what could be recollected which unfortunately are, in terms of economics, scarce resources for the practical exam. we were dressed to kill, at least--failing with grace and a pretty face. hehe.. but it seemed that fate was by us, the exam was cancelled and the whole of KL rejoiced. (except maybe for Goldilocks).
We were then subjected to harsh truths--that most of us are not serious about going to school, that some of us are probably failing, and that the scores on our exams reflect the kind of people we will be. not quite true, i have always believed that grades are not a measure of intelligence. it is only the performance of a person for a certain task for a specific period of time that these grades are operative for. Intelligence is a much, much deeper thing than that.
The exams were actually easy. i hate regrets. Alessa taught me not to regret. but the exams, argh! they're all in my grasp. but i didn't open my palms widely enough to see what was to come. but i don't regret it, at least. during the times that i was supposed to study for the exams, i was having lots of fun. but oh well, one has to take responsibility sometimes. and consequences, too.

Redeeming Value
As 6.30 neared, Blauta gave us not only headaches, (in gratitude of what we gave her), she gave us a sermon, a lesson, and a poem. i cannot fully recall the words--just as she did, because for an explainable but profoundly timely reason, the lights went out and she had to read in the darkness which made the effect stronger, deeper in a sense that it pierced through my ears and into my wandering consciousness--but nevertheless, the words she borrowed, words she shared, words not hers amidst our stares, (spoken in a sing-song manner) shed light around her face illuminating the blackened, dingy room and revived my thoughts of the sad and happy Truth of this world--that it is bound by Time. and that there will come a time, that there would not be any..no more time. and so she spoke from borrowed poetry : Live one day at a Time.
Live one day to the fullest, she said.
fear only yesterday and tomorrow.
but today, be your best...and God will do the rest,haha!
i feel like some first grade student!
Quite true, True. It is that "time-boundness" of the World that makes everything so miserable and so beautiful at the same time but not with the same things. because of Death, because of Mortality, the songs of the heart, the poems of the soul are birthed and immortalized not in yellowing papers or digital pages, but in the consciousness, in the lives of those that impregnated them and those that adopted them as their own. just as Blauta did.
I may not have really understood sociolinguistics nor the political and ideological nature of language, but I sure understood things i've already known--felt in my heart what i knew in my mind.
Poetry never fails.

The sad part is that when power was back, and the face as aging and full of emotions as the Humanities Building itself, materialized in front of us, i had the sudden feeling that i've got not the time to listen to values education taught in an offensive and scornful manner. "Don't get pregnant!"

Of Orange Roses, Morning Sickness, and Forgiveness

2005-03-16T01:10:00.000-08:00

I left the gentle caress of my bed
The sound playing of Sandman's Harp
Only to revere of nothingness
In the silent squall of a morning--sleepless.

I got up early today--5 am, i guess. i was pretty excited about walking again. and walking to start my last few days in LB. they're numbered. and so i wanted to get the most out of what i can give but badtrippingly, gritting my teeth badly, Jaja was the only person who had the desire to walk to IRRI.. it's so frustrating to have not seen anyone from Layb because i wanted to spend these days with them...
last night, i went to Layb. mam amy and ilia were the only ones there..ilia said that there's no workshop then because sir dumlao thought that nobody's coming. we came, i came. and then all that fuss and disappointment would be heightened all the more by the information that hey, there was a workshop. caty, ayi, and blythe had poems to work on with--they are my favorite poets in the group--but nobody, not even one, bothered to sms me that Layb session would come through. how inconsiderate is that, i thought. i was thirsting for fresh poetry but somehow, i was denied the drink by reasons i do not and do not wish to know...
bah..

Orange Roses
i learned to feel something i already knew before--happiness is a choice. and that it is never happy to be angry. i was mad, mad at myself that i got all messed up, wretched by my weaknesses, my careless wrongdoings, and that i had and have to redeem myself--which i know i never can--from the misery that i have caused myself to suffer, ONLY TO see that after regaining a bit of composure, after having been lifted by a morning angel, the princess had once again subjected herself into transgression. how i cared for her! how i wanted to be there for her...always. but she was so naive--no, actually she's not, she knew it was wrong, stupid would be more the word--to walk on critical and trembling grounds, a perilous circumstance that would have destroyed her many youthful years.
she's still a kid, i learned. and leaving her would be of no help. (i'm not saying that i matured, but she's still a kid even if i am or am not. ) and besides, how can i leave her? i love her so, even in her saddistic declarations of her presence.

haay... institute class is "true." it is of God, i know. i don't know, i was 'numbed' by what happened to her and her telling me of it. i don't know if it's a good thing
but somehow, i wanted to be mad at her. i wanted to hit her in the head (batukan siya!). iwanted to slap into her face that i fasted, prayed and begged that she'd be alright, that she'd be protected--that she'd be safe. i wanted to tell her that i deeply suffered every night as i was haunted by mistakes of the past, and that despite that, iwanted to stay for her, to be there for her, to be her friend, at the most. i wanted to do those but i didn't. instead, i tried to get out of her castle. but its walls would not permit me--walls which i myself built.
she's still a kid, i learned--a fragile child who always ends up in trouble. hehe. but she has learned, iguess. i wish. she has to.
as for me, i am glad i somehow experienced a bit of that "pure love of Christ." a love that is forgiving, long suffering--pure. even a bit of it had surely opened the smile in my face--to accept her mistakes. those were mine too, i believe.
The kid, the princess, she'll grow. and i'll be there for her, a friend, as much as i can. i promised her.
i won't leave her--even if orange roses wouldn't stay.

drops of universe

2005-03-10T02:05:00.000-08:00

isang gabi
pa lamang tayong nagkakasama
isang gaBI
ngunit para bang ilang buwan na ang nakalipas
isang halik
mo lamang sa nga labi kong sabik
isang halik
sapat na para mahuli ko ang iyong kiliti

sa pag-uwi
di pa rin malimutan ang iyong mga ngiti
di na makatulog
parang kaluluwang di matahimik

dahil sa isang gabing kapiling ka
ako ngayo'y naiinip sa ating muling pagkikita...

ORange aNd LemOns...they're amazing...they're music is enchanting...clicheic but clicheic. i am clicheic.

the butterfly is away. the butterly became. it got away from our cocoon. and im left to savour the remnants of the sily, dry cocoon....
the butterfly cried. and it flapped its wings--silky wings--and covered its eyes that smile of sadness that make them more beautiful still.
and now i am the kid. the kid that chased the butterfly. the kid that was chased by the butterfly. we played...with fire. and it has set me ablaze. our game burned me. it burned her. and i was masochistic.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i never really understood proxemics. but i understand space. that it is there to separate people. that it is inevitable. and that it is powerful. but i also learned that i can melt space. a kid who was once afraid, taught me how to see with eyes closed. (clicheic i am) she taught me that space can be consumed and that it didn't matter all the time.

she is there, i am here. and that's what's important. we're both here and there. that w e a r e.

last night, iske, ai and i had foodtrip. they had dinner twice. i had one that equaled two. hehe. we then walked Grove to look for Dan Eric's ice cream and a mali-mali saleslady. iske and i shared a pint of choco ice cream in the biting cold of the night.
we then walked back home only to have another trip. keno was preparing the spaceship. we got in, and traveled into space. and there we saw and heard a kid. he talked to us. he was very nosy and innocent and talkative. he was talking of his crushes. of the first poem his mother made for him. of his love for his brothers. of his desire to serve his God. of his first schoolplay where he proudly became a propsman. of the games he played. of the wounds he inflicted on himself. of the times he laughed. of the times he cried. of the times he was......he had so much to say. but unfortunately he left. he grew up. he left himself and became himself. he was no longer a kid. a kid in whom the true poems are birthed. he became me. he is me.

then we got back to planet B4. keno was libidinous. he was insisting on raping ai..hehe..ai, of course restrained. and so nok wet for iske. iske was...turned on..hahahaha..we were all fooling around till 2 am. i'm going to miss these guys...

it's starting to sink in now. ai started it. she wanted me to stay. the pain of leaving this little patch of space is now scathing its way to my consciousness. i don't want to think about it. but i do. and it's killing me.

LB!!!

we'll soon separate. to you, I am prone to oblivion and palimpsest of meaning. but you never will be to me...never.

the painful truth about KUPALing

2005-03-10T01:25:00.000-08:00

kupal kung kupal
oo
pero kupal lang ako sa dapat kupalin..sa mga epal, mga ak, mga feeling taga-UP pero sa totoo, walang alam sa mundo..

pero, kapag ung taong mahalaga na saken ang kinukupal ko...siyet, masakit pala yun..parang pinapatay ang sarili..parang unti-unting kinakain ang sariling laman,..tinatalupan ang sariling balat...binabasag ang sariling ipin...sakit nun ah!

pero kailangan eh..badtrip! ba't ba ang hirap? ba't di pwedeng madali na lang??

argh!

kung di ko naman yun gagawin, it will continue to consume me...

BAHADTRIFF!

i should be in [P] right now..but this KUPAL in me tells me that i have to keep Kupaling the consumer...and the consumed--me

dahil sa pagkupal ko sayo'y kinukupal ko na din ang sarili ko.

I
Prone to oblivion
And palimpsest of meaning
Sleep
Deny me
The morning.

hono fuego

2005-03-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

flame

this is what my heart pumps through my whole system now.

the agony of defeat.

of not having control.

of not being.

of being...human.

"i think i heard a shot!

(face melting guitar sequence)

how long?

not long?

cause what you reap is what you sow."

go on,then..into the abyss of oblivion.

you are queen there...and prisoner.

i do not have you...i never had.

and now you are fading.......

fading

and i'm jaded.

morning, come hither.

february, family, falling, scuba wedding

2005-02-23T03:35:00.000-08:00

Pebrero, ang buwan ng mga topakin..

...ang buwan kung saan sumama ang loob ng isang bata sa akin dahil hindi ako pumunta sa debut niya...
na sa isang di matanggap na kadahalinan ay itinapat niya sa Araw ng mga Puso na okay lang sana kasi ang kasintahan ko nung panahong iyon ay may aatend-an ding debut kung kaya't pumayag akong maging isa sa mga 18 roses na sa kasamaang-palad ay hindi natuloy dahil hindi tumuloy ang aking kasintahan at ako'y napilitang lumiban sa debut ng bata kahit na naharana ko na ang aking kasintahan nung araw bago iyon.period.

...Pebrero din ang buwan kung kelan ipinanganak ang bunso kong kapatid na sobrang nami-miss ko na dahil magtatatlong linggo na kong di umuuwi sa maynila. lintik na elbi, nakakasawa din pala..nakakalungkot...ninanakaw ang oras na dapat kasama ko ang aking pamilya,,lalo na ngayong ilang buwan na lang ay iiwanan ko na naman sila nang dalawang taon para sa isang mahalagang misyon.

...ngunit ang batang iyon ay nagbalik. hindi naman talaga siya umalis. physically, she left LB, for "greener pasture." but she never left my mind, my heart, my very being. she was there, flowing through every vein on my palm, my knees, my brain.

...i've not been home for exactly 17 days now. i know my Jian feels bad that i wasn't there when she most needed me.

...28 november, i proposed. after a few exchange of thoughts, i had the moment and the nerve to "announce" myself--"ako, si abram, ay nanliligaw sa'yo. di ko alam kung bakit, pero alam kong gusto ko. gusto ko to." she denied it at first. she said i did not know her. she asked me to think twice. she implied futility. but...i told her, " hindi naman kita nililigawan dahil kilala na kita at alam kong kilala na kita. nililigawan kita dahil alam kong hindi pa kita kilala, at gusto kitang makilala...at ang sarili ko, na kasama ka." i had thought of it for so many times before. but i felt it only once, and i did it.

...my mother called Sunday morning. i said i was coming home on saturday but i had to settle another problem that day. i had to, it's killing me. but thanks to the low battery power of my phone, it did not hold beyond a little, "hello, anak! o, ba't d ka umuwi?...san ka?...sang bahay"...o kumusta ka na ba diyan?..." the call was cut and i waited. but she did not call again. i waited some more...in vain. i was broke and powerless, helpless that i could not even talk to my mother.

...i was waiting for March 8th. it would be the 100th day from that fateful November 28th. but i need not to. i now have February 19th. oh, February...

...i found a photo of me and my two youngest brothers, Briggs and Keon. i could not help but miss them. i tried not to think of them nor even miss them, because it hurts so much. i tried to block them out, but it only made memories of them larger. the space they occupy on my mind is ever expanding. and it hurts...so so much.

..she came, Thursday last week. it was Feb Fair and i was ...festive. i did not come to any of my classes because i was too brought down from Wednesday night's reggae dancing with blythe and alex, james on the background. but one simple message, "baka pumunta ako jan mya. dko p cgurado. pero baka punta ko...la lang," got my cells working like mad. she wasn't sure but i was all excited. she might or might not come, she said, but i would be there for the "might come" part of it. i do not live for things not there, i live for the possible. i live not to be not hurt. i live to be happy.

...and now the threat of not being allowed to come home again lingers. presswork for [P] is on friday. i had not the first draft i promised to submit today yet. but i want to go home tomorrow. i could go to loreene on their open house program, i'd love to. then i can spend the whole Friday and Saturday with my family.

...and then after an embarassing visit to our "apartment" which is really very far from clean, we went to Freedom. ma'am leslee was ever so charming and she made me feel more comfortable with yes, loreene. and after separating from Ate Les, behold, the universe was conspiring.

...my brother Eljon passed the UPCAT. he's going to UP Diliman to take ECE! woohoo! i am so proud of him. and i miss him so. i would soon pass the Captainship of our basketball team to him because i'm now "old" to play in their division. playing with him and Psalm made basketball not only a Serrano trademark, it made it Basketball--a game for the champions.

...USC had a whole Freedom Park of shortcomings but they were still to thank for. Unconsciously, their timing was perfect. When else would I want a beautiful fireworks display on the field? right when i was sitting beside her on the calm grass, looking at her sleepy eyes, and wondering how deep her gaze could be...how it is to be there, beyond it. yes, it made the moment the Moment. like a metaphor, it completed the poetry of my song...rhythm of my heart. it conspired with all of the universe.

...it's easier now. i have all the distractions i could and would not want to ask. damn schoolwork!..i had never felt so dumped up with work! and i still had the delinquency and procrastination to go about this entry. hehe..

...and there on the sweet underneath of midnight sky, she proclaimed her love..she completed mine. it took time to sink in, days even. but she was there. she is here. the fair was flowing with people but it seemed that we had it to ourselves. we were the only people then. we had the universe. we have the universe.

...and so, as i decide to leave this stage of relief, i shall once again indulge in the haze-and-daze of work. acadmode na naman. at kahit miss na miss ko ang family ko, miss na miss ko pa rin sila. they're there, i know. and i will be, too, soon.

...for four days now, she's mine. i'm hers, too. and i pray everynight that the universe, in all its expanse, depth, glory and infinity, may continue to conspire for the two of us.
l o r e e n e , y o u a r e m y u n i v e r s e . . .

---------------------------
scuba wedding daw nila cesar at sunshine kanina...share ko lang,ang weird na talga ng mga tao ngayon...pero ayos diba?...mag comment ka ha...

Rejuvenation

2005-02-22T23:39:00.000-08:00

as the assassin nears the gates of Baal
he smells his blood on Luth Golien's dust
wounds inflicted on yesternight's fight
consumed his whole being and stole
the Sandman's venerable indictment
and denied the warrior rest

in every footstep his flesh trembled
kissed the wind that bid death
emancipated
he is losing
he is dying

and then came thee
maiden of the morning moon
when all seems to wilt
thy countenance blooms
between fireworks and the field
the universe...conspiring
the stars birthed in thy eyes
blinked ennui away
and there on earthly grounds of green
celestially thou turned into breathing dream
and in that moment sweet ablazed
the calm flames of my beating heart
and in thy eyes's sleepy gaze
love, my morning
love birthed indeed

i a m i n l o v e w i t h t h e e .

consummation

2005-02-15T23:12:00.000-08:00

never had i this feeling of ...i can't find a word...honestly...badtrip would be an understatement...im enraged..annoyed, irritated, miserable...guilty...i'm never alone but i'm lonely... i miss my home..my family...
i've been away for 10 days...but i eternally miss them...
i want to see them..my papa, mama, eljon, psalm, kim, briggs and keon...
i want to sleep beside them like i used to...kahit siksikan na...
gusto ko ulit buhatin ung kapatid kong baby...keon..
gusto ko ulit kiss mama ko...c briggs din
gusto ko ulit mang-asar...si psalm, "sam-pot the basuraman,ang baho-baho niya"
pati si kim...gusto ko silang makaharutan ulit...makalaro sa basketball
gusto ko ulit tuksuhin si eljon kapag kausap niya girlfriend niya sa phone...
gusto ko ulit uminom sa pichel na maliit...ung isang inuman lang pwede..
gusto ko ulit kumain nung cake ni mama
di ko siya nabigayan ng flowers nung valentine's
gusto ko ulit maglakad ng naka-brief lang...umihi at tumae sa cute naming cr..
gusto ko gusto ko...
pero nandito ako...
tatlong araw pa...
i feel so sick

and some of the thing s and people around me make it even worse..it's my fault they're like that...
but i just can't understand why they have to come down on me simultaneously...
my bestfriend's father died...i can't be there for her because i have to finish my articles for Perspective and attend my Nasc 5 trip...

B4 never was so damn sickening before...we don't have bonding sessions anymore...pikachu, text twist, bounce, uno!

and to top it all up, like putting the leche flan on top of the halo-halo espesyal, i'm broke...
i did not submit my intro for my research in coma 104
the LDSSA pips are frustrated because i was never there to help in the booth...
instead i was pulling my self deeper into this gulf of misery...

i smile..yes, i still do...but i do with cruelty in my heart..

the joy of having finally endured the editing of my drafts for [p]--it took me 4 days to finish it...5 drafts all--wasn't enough to compensate for this physical, emotional and spiritual void that's consuming my whole being...

poetry cannot revive me...

julienne is...far

loreene...she's out there, i know..floating somewhere in her heavenly world...unreachable...angel

janrius, he's there...but we're always fighting...the blame is mine...and im sorry...

"knock! knock! knock! knock!
where have you been?
talk! talk! talk! talk!
all that you've been doing...

there's got to be one good afternoon
there's got to be something i can do
undescribable magic powers can
make a song that will make all this end..."

it's a good thing the smiths and the beatles are there to keep me up...

God, i'm sorry

i'm tired...

i am tired.

gumagawa ng wala

2005-01-14T01:33:00.000-08:00

gumagawa na naman ako ng wala...wala naman nagbabayad sa ken para gumawa ng wala...buti pa si ulang

hoy, quel! wala lang...korny talaga un..stars...hehe

wala...

nostalgia

2005-01-12T01:11:00.001-08:00

the night came.

the night, like a thief
she stabbed me
silent was my death
bloodless
ailent that no one noticed
not even her, no
for she was breathing songs for someone else

and so i died
with a song and a stare
a song i weaved for her
she played for no one better
for the dawn
and words were all i had left
lies that were spying on the hidden lair
and now they're all just a grain of sand
in a beach of stellar ambiance

and so i died
only to be unnoticed
by your hair like water fell down a river of lies
deceit and lies
flowing a down a melancholy of liquid rhythms
water i cannot grasp
water i cannot hold
water like silk
only softer, more cruel
can you feel this?
no you cant
never
for the lying sun blinded you
blinded me, too, in a state of oblivion

i died, i did
but along my death, the silver orb murdered the water i cannot drink
yes, it did me justice
it slayed the monster i loved an loathed
the grime that haunted me
but still
i died
and still, i drowned in the depths of time, space and memories
and when the betraying dawn comes
the water shall conceive me
fertilized from ennui and depravity
i shall be birthed
and tonight as i visit the reptile's head
the celestial crocodile shall once again cry
crocodile tears that bear yesterday's death
and shall i, the silverman, be born in the mouth of heaven's oyster
to sand my own light
by my own light
unborrowing from the undead sun
with no one to shed tears for no more
not her
and then shall you see
that forever, i'll be i am
the man of the cosmos
who died yesternight
but lived to be kissed
by the star's in the heaven's
blanket lips

bituin, bituin, bituka, proben

2005-01-12T01:11:00.000-08:00

sometimes, we get too fascinated with how high the stars are and how brightly they hang in the sky...but it's more amazing to realize that there is this thought that we were all made from stars...
yes,isn't it beautiful to know that you and me, we were once...stars...
they're not so hard to reach after all...
they're in us..all the time

bathala in the making

2005-01-10T01:15:00.000-08:00

i've read "ang unang bugso ng salita" by mike bigornia..
this poem describes the characteristics of beginning a poetry with the first flush of words. words that come out while the poet is staring out the window under the blinking lights of florescence..or while under the spell of deep slumber...this first flush of words are the words that will seem to have no significance but will soon fertilize the artist's paper..words that may lest be forgotten when the poem is finished...but owing to this first flush of words,
the poem became Poem
and the poet, Sublime Creator.

haaah...saya-saya, mamaya, papa-workshop ako sa layb...first-time..hehe

natamaan kc ko sa sinabi ni badums e..(cue: flashback, rewinding of images and sounds...)

badums: dapat magdala ng tula lahat...kasi ung iba jan,salita lang ng salita pero wala namang sinusulat..yan o si keno,si keno

...buti na lamang at ako'y nagtatago sa likod non ni iliah..kaya talagang natago ako,hehe,kaya mamaya, okray time na...

ang galeng, may nagcomment saken don sa post ko,,hihi

in the heart of a true activist

2005-01-06T01:06:00.000-08:00

f. sionil jose proved to be one of the greatest asian writers in the 20th century. i think that the only writer that can come close to his legacy is nick joaquin who he, himself admitted that jose has surpassed every one else in Phil. lit. his works are even compared to that of DH lawrence whose works i admittedly haven't read yet.
his rosales novels are a treasure and are a testament of the absurdity that is the society and the means by which one can and cannot fight this system. we are bound by the oligarchy that surround us all. those self-righteous thieves who think that they alone could dig this country out of its mudhole.
damn those elitists! and damn those activists who don't even know what they're fighting for!
the masses don't need us to fight for them. we don't know their grievances, we don't know how they feel. all they're asking and grieving and dying for is food on their tables. poverty robs them of any nationalistic bloodrush and no matter how much we sympathize with them, we cannot ever empathize with them unless we become them.

weee, feeling matalino ka na naman..asar talaga...di ko na nagawa mga ssignment ko dahil nakaadik basahin un...

haay...at least meron nako ulit post dito...sana may mag-comment.harhar

Welcome!

2004-12-19T08:17:00.000-08:00

Ako po si bambam. ako ay pa-pampam. hehe.

Ako po si Enteng. Oops! Hindi Enteng Kabisote...

Enteng Me-Bigote!

Ang blog ni bambam

2004-10-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

hello, ang galing! may blog na'ko

makakaganti nako kay kela,hehe

meow..